There are all sorts of reasons Father’s Day can suck, most having to do with some combination of unrealized expectations, righteous ingratitude, and too much (or too little) alcohol. But it could be worse: your dad could be Anthony Weiner.
Imagine, if you will, that on July 31, 2015, your daddy is babysitting you while your mommy travels around the country working to get Hillary Clinton elected as leader of the free world. You toddle into the bedroom where he is lying with his smartphone held aloft and a happy-Mr.-Howdy tent in his Jockey shorts.
He loves you so much that, when you curl up next to him and go to sleep with your blankie, he snaps a heartwarming pic of you and his throbbing crotch brain and sends it to the 40-something divorcée he’s just been texting about his fond memories of a favorite massage parlor in his old neighborhood. It’s a Norman Rockwell moment. (Not the artist: the guy in the drunk tank who jizzes on your shoes and says, “You’re welcome.”)
Someone shares this lovely father-son moment with the New York Post on August 29, 2016. Your mommy doesn’t understand and leaves your daddy the same day. Since then, grownups love to see you spend time with your daddy because there’s always someone watching. They call this being a “witness.”
After the FBI finds out your daddy used your mommy’s work computer to send photos to nice ladies, it reopens its dead case against Hillary Clinton, and your daddy helps Donald Trump become president. A year later, on November 6, 2017, your daddy goes “up the river” to federal prison for sending obscene material to an underage girl.
Today is Father’s Day and you’re going to see your daddy. You’re happy, even though you were secretly hoping to get there by boat. Mommy drives; you never even see the river. She doesn’t come in with you, though. You don’t need her to be there with you. After all, you’re six whole years old now. You feel her loving support from the parking lot.
You have fun, once you get past all the security protecting your daddy. You hug and have vending machine snacks and he tells you sad stories about inmates (like Bernie Madoff’s brother Peter) who don’t get many visits from family for some reason.
Daddy tells you he’ll get out May 14, 2019. Yay! He promises he’ll be really friendly and go door-to-door and introduce himself to all of our neighbors. He says that even though he has to do it because he’s now called a “quote-unquote sex offender,” he really wants to.
Then he asks if he can borrow your phone.