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Chocolate Powered by Prayer: Product of the Week

Despite our name, we at Magick Sandwich do not believe in magical foodstuffs. So imagine our surprise when we found this company peddling enlightened delectation: Intentional Chocolate.

First of all, let me point out that unless you’re being tortured–the technical term might be choco-boarding– your ingestion of chocolate could arguably be defined as intentional. But this company goes way beyond that simple definition.

Its founder, Jim Walsh, states: “Whoever consumes this chocolate will manifest optimal health and functioning at physical, emotional and mental levels and in particular will enjoy an increased sense of energy, vigor and well-being for the benefit of all beings.”

This feat is accomplished by having each chocolate prayed over by “advanced meditators — some who have trained with the Dalai Lama — and is delivered with love to those who eat it.” I would hope in addition to love, the Lama taught them to use sneeze guards, rubber gloves and observe the “Employees Must Wash Hands” sign in the company restroom. No offense to these highly-trained love infusion specialists, but I don’t want monk snot or worse on my chocolate.

Still skeptical? It’s been “proven by scientific research to heighten well-being.” In 2007, alternative health journal Explore (which also touts garlic as a breast cancer preventive) reported that a study of 62 people found that subjects who ate the intention-infused chocolate had more energy and better moods after three days than subjects stuck with plain chocolate. Wow, I’m convinced. Imagine what they could accomplish if they prayed for world peace?

The site also asks this deep question. “Why is a home cooked meal so satisfying and healing? Because it was made with love and infused with care.” But my grandparents hated each other. Why didn’t her cooking kill him? Hey, wait a second…he did die, eventually. This Jim Walsh guy is onto something. Just to be on the safe side, make sure someone tickles the chef or slips him a Prozac the next time you’re out to dinner.

More products:
Prescription Eyelashes: Product of the Week
Fart Filter: Product of the Week

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SNUS logo

Straight from the Sucker Files: SNUS

Looking for a brand new outlet for your nicotine addiction? Camel’s got you covered. It’s got an old nag dressed up like a new pony and it’s called SNUS.
SNUS logoWhat is this product? It’s a fine moist tobacco that you place beneath your upper lip. It comes in packets so there’ll be no telltale tobacco leaves stuck between your expensive veneers. There’s no need to spit, so no one will know you’re dipping at your nephew’s bar mitzvah. And no worries about spilling your spit cup on the center console of your Mercedes. It’s like a Christmas miracle!

As Judge Judy said, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” I remember something like this: it’s called Skoal.
SKOALA friend of mine got caught by his dad once, who forced him to swallow it. The projectile vomiting cured him of the habit. I tried it myself a few times. I wanted to be the tough girl who’d pack in a chew, but it tasted like ass and I couldn’t learn to spit without dribbling the juice down my shirt. Mouth cancer wasn’t even a consideration.

Maybe Camel could do a tie-in with that other timeless classic: the forty.
Olde English 40But I don’t think that would play to the demographic they’re going for now. SNUS has been sold in Nordic countries like Greenland for years. Now Camel is test-marketing it in the U.S. I’m not naive; I know they don’t really care who their end-users are. They’re equal opportunity death-dealers. Their mission is simple: to create more addicts to replace the ones they’ve already killed. There’ll be a whole new generation hopelessly devoted to chew.

More suckers:
Straight from the Sucker Files: The Q-Link

Fuck the Rain umbrella girl

An Umbrella for Psychos: Product of the Week

Fuck the Rain umbrella girl

Your child will be a hit with her classmates when you send her to school with this umbrella from Art.Lebedev Studio, aptly named “Fuck the Rain.”

Just don’t be surprised if you end up having to explain yourself to Child Protective Services.

Meanwhile, there’s another umbrella on sale if you want to work out some anger issues or just plain fear for your life. (Remember, it’s only assassination if you’re important.)

It’s the Self-Defense Unbreakable Umbrella from Real Self-Defense and it even has its own instructional video.

At first, it’s cute, like Charlie Chaplin doing a trick. But it quickly turns dark with a sociopathic Gallagher watermelon murder, then a Britney-esque beating.

 

britney umbrella meltdownScary.

The Philippine president’s security detail uses them. (Maybe they can’t afford guns?) Come to think of it, after January 20th, 2009, you might want to avoid this guy.

george bush umbrella fail

He may not be in a very good mood. Though he’ll no longer be president, he may still be dangerous.

More products:
Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

Sucker Files: Q-Link

Straight From the Sucker Files: The Q-Link

Sucker Files: Q-LinkAccording to the April 2008 issue of InStyle magazine, Lindsay Lohan wears a powerful fashion statement.

“The Q-link is a metallic pendant worn near the heart that purports to adapt to your personal energy frequencies.”

Instyle says Madonna wears one, too. I hope this doesn’t clash with the frequencies of her red string anti-evil-eye Kabbalah bracelet. With all this energy bouncing around, can Salma Hayek (another purported wearer) pick up Sirius radio on her dental fillings?

It’s also said that the pendant may help to “ease stress, increase focus, boost energy and enhance overall well-being”. That must be after its energy has helped to boost money directly from the sucker’s wallet.

For a closer look at this harebrained fashion statement, click here. Rest assured, it looks equally at home hanging around the neck of an air-headed celebrity or any denizen of Quark’s bar.

Also available is the Q-Link Golf pendant, which purportedly protects sportsmen from harmful EMF radiation according to this handy equation: “less stress + more focus= lower golf scores”. It could just be that your fellow golfers are laughing so hard, they can’t make the green. But I’m so cynical. I guess it could work, right? Tiger Woods, are you listening?

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