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Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

December 8, 2009

It’s that time of year again, when you’re under a mountain of debt and Christmas calls on you to open your heart and your coffers one more time. Let Magick Sandwich help you dazzle your family and friends with the best, most thoughtful gifts of all. Then you can go back to dreaming of a bonus that will bail you out when your bills come due.

For your childless buddy who needs some days off:

“Businesses lose up to $4 billion annually to employee absenteeism due to childcare problems.” — The Welfare-to-Work Partnership

Is it fair that the rest of us should have to pick up the slack? Thanks to the makers of The Office Kid, the answer is a resounding NO! They say, “You’ll soon find that exploiting the joys of parenthood has never been easier. With one simple kit, you can do as your coworkers do–make excuses, miss work and blame it all on your kid.”

For your fashion-obsessed tween:

Cobbler to the stars Christian Louboutin has collaborated with Barbie to create this limited edition Cat Burglar Barbie. She comes with a collection of 4 red-soled Louboutins, including ankle boots, peep-toes, and knee-high boots. Barbie comes with a stand and is presented in a brown designer-style box with a copy of Christian and Barbie’s travel journal.

At $150, this is much cheaper than a real pair of Louboutin’s sadistic five-inch heels. Unfortunately, Cat Burglar Barbie is sold out at the moment. (I, for one, am dying to read her travel journal!) You can sign up on net-a-porter to find out when she’s back in stock. And just to get a jump on next year’s gift, maybe you’d better put the stripper pole on layaway.

For the kids’ next sleepover:

The Tauntaun sleeping bag is a great way to introduce the little ones to the great Star Wars series. Oh, who are we kidding? You want one for yourself! And the folks over at ThinkGeek know it because they’ve made it adult size.

The inside is printed to look like intestines and it comes with a lightsaber zipper pull so you can reenact Han Solo cutting it open—it’s dead already so back off, PETA people—to save Luke Skywalker from freezing to death on the planet Hoth. Have “Luke” rip a Silent But Deadly fart so you can utter Han’s famous line: “I thought they…smelled bad…on the outside.”

For the friend fed up with the holiday:

This big bar of Pontius Pilate soap by Atypyk should have him washing his hands straight through to Easter.

Happy Holidays, everybody!

More gift ideas:
3 Great Gifts for Lonely Friends
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!

Fart Filter: Product of the Week

June 15, 2009

Do you wake up with a wreath of methane hanging around your head from your significant other’s flatus following a Taco Bell bender the night before?

Are you oxygen-deprived by the fart machine who works in the next cubicle?

Do you enjoy emitting the foul, gaseous issue of your rectum in public but rue the accusing stares in the elevator?

Well, thank your lucky stars that there is a product for the sphincter control challenged: it’s the Flat-D.

The Flatulence Deodorizer is actually a discreet charcoal filter that you secure to your underwear before going out on the town for a night of unbridled passing. You can view the how-to video here.

Imagine the joy of blowing a broccoli fart while being reprimanded by your boss. It’ll lower the psi in your colon and he’ll never know what triggered his migraine.

There is one caveat for the guys: this male maxi-pad will not work in boxer shorts, which do not cling tightly enough to your exhaust portal for the fart filter to be effective. So switch to tighty whiteys or face the grim task of actually holding it in.

The company makes a charcoal chair pad, but you’ll need to practice getting your farts to blow straight down into it. An errant squeaker squirting up twixt the ass cheeks can be hard to disown.

Luckily, Flat-D Innovations hasn’t forgotten the ladies. If you prefer to outgas in sexy underwear, the Thong-D is for you!

And best of all, it’s 100% guaranteed. Believe it or not, if you are unsatisfied, you can return the nasty thing with your farts locked inside for a full refund.

But please be kind and seal it well before mailing; you don’t want to knock out the UPS guy who inadvertently gives it a squeeze and releases its stench like smelly minions from Satan’s couch cushion.

3 Great Gifts for Lonely Friends

June 8, 2009

Shopping for friends who can’t seem to function outside of a relationship? Afraid you’re going to be drafted to fill in the gaping hole in their lives? Expend minimal effort to ensure they don’t come crying to you with Magick Sandwich’s 3 great gifts for lonely friends.

The Boyfriend Pillow

Shield your friend from that empty bed with the Boyfriend Pillow, available here. It will absorb her tears as she cries, “I have never felt so alone.” And it’s wearing a nice button-down shirt so she can also dream that it has a job.

The Bug Vacuum

This insect vacuum will come in handy because, let’s face it: all her screaming won’t conjure a boyfriend to kill it for her. Hammacher Schlemmer boasts that its version “vacuumed up 24 live crickets in only 15 seconds.” (Did we need to know they were alive at the time?) If your friend needs to vacuum up 24 bugs every 15 seconds, it may be time to fix her up with a local exterminator. It would be a match made in cricket heaven.

Paparazzi for Hire

Make her fantasies come true by renting a horde of stalkerazzi at Famous for a Day. She’ll be amazed as she’s swarmed by autograph seekers at the laundromat. And when photographers jockey for the best angle, her table for one at MooShu Palace will feel like the best place in town!

Another helpful post:
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends

Bulletproof Pocket Square: Product of the Week

June 1, 2009

The Bullet-proof Gentlemen’s Pocket Square from Sruli Recht is the latest in 007-style sartorial elegance.

Sold as a “non-product,” the pocket square known as The Damned was originally issued in a limited edition of ten two years ago. Back by popular demand, it has been reissued as an open edition.

It is made of military grade ballistic strength fiber, “to protect the hearts of men.”

This reminds me of an old Woody Allen joke, his reversal of an even Sandwich story of a person being saved from a bullet by a Bible. In Woody’s version, he is walking down the street with a bullet in his breast pocket when someone throws a bible out a window, hitting him in the chest. “That Bible would’ve gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.” Please don’t sue me for quoting you, Mr. Allen. I’m not selling anything.

Though it is proving to be a popular item, the Pocket Square does come with a disclaimer.

* If a gun is aimed at you, fired, and the slug hits you, you will be hurt despite the properties of the square; The impact of the projectile itself is likely to fracture, crack or break your bones bones and bruise you. According to the specifications of the textile, a ballistic projectile such as a bullet will not pass through thirty two layers of this material. We take NO responsibility for those who feel compelled to test the endurance or resistance of the textile in any way.

Duly noted. My question is this: even if it could protect the average Wall Street banker from a shot to the heart, doesn’t he know we’re going to go for the head shot, anyway?

More products:
An Umbrella for Psychos
Scrotal Deodorant Wash

Scent of a Yeoman

May 7, 2009

Be a Trekkie or just smell like one with this new cologne from Genki Wear. (Arguing that the correct term is Trekker does not make you cool.)

Other scents in the series include Tiberius to help one emulate the je ne sais quois of a certain starship captain who’s popular with all manner of space booty.

For the ladies, there is Pon Farr, named for the famed estrus cycle in which Vulcans must mate or die. So apply with caution before a night on the town. But remember, Pon Farr only happens every seven years. Be careful what you wish for. And be patient.

If your girlfriend gives you Red Shirt, she may be getting ready to push you out the airlock. Its tagline reads: Because tomorrow may never come. You may be an extra in your own life. Know this, you will not become a series regular.

Whichever scent you choose, snap it up in a hurry. You haven’t much time to douse yourself, covering the musty scent of your parents’ basement, and get to the nearest theater.

An Umbrella for Psychos: Product of the Week

October 31, 2008

Your child will be a hit with her classmates when you send her to school with this umbrella from Art.Lebedev Studio, aptly named “Fuck the Rain.”

Just don’t be surprised if you end up having to explain yourself to Child Protective Services.

Meanwhile, there’s another umbrella on sale if you want to work out some anger issues or just plain fear for your life. (Remember, it’s only assassination if you’re important.)

It’s the Self-Defense Unbreakable Umbrella from Real Self-Defense and it even has its own instructional video.

At first, it’s cute, like Charlie Chaplin doing a trick. But it quickly turns dark with a sociopathic Gallagher watermelon murder, then a Britney-esque beating.

britney umbrella meltdown Scary.

The Philippine president’s security detail uses them. (Maybe they can’t afford guns?) Come to think of it, after January 20th, 2009, you might want to avoid this guy.

He may not be in a very good mood. Though he’ll no longer be president, he may still be dangerous.

More products:
Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

October 20, 2008

Guys, place your orders for Man Junk, a new organic crotch wash made just for your schwantz, taint and family jewels. Here’s a bit of the ad copy:

How nice would it be, knowing that your significant other or one-night stand (hey, we’re not perfect either) is pleasantly surprised instead of trying not to breathe through their nose? Exactly.

That gives a whole new meaning to “going there.” At first, I thought it was a crazy idea. Then I thought about all of the insane things women do to stay pubically presentable, from waxing (not really Brazilian, by the way–that was a marketing ploy) to anal bleaching.

Someone’s going to have to explain anal bleaching to me; if you’re that close to someone’s asshole, it seems to me that the time for making value judgments has passed. It’s a little late to say, “Eeww, this place looks like a shithole,” am I right?

So, if your partner hurls and your dog faints when downwind of your weenie, get thee some Man Junk. No more worries about fummunda.*

Girls, play Secret Santa and sneak this into his gym bag. He’ll get the message that there’ll be no gifts under his tree (wink wink) ’til he deals with the stink.

Man Junk–It’s a product whose time has come!

*the cheese fummunda your balls, silly!