Lance Armstrong, Cancer Slut, Dating Kate Hudson

Lance Armstrong, Cancer Slut, Dating Kate Hudson

I guess Kate got sick of balls slapping both sides of her chin.

Bush saves Social Security

Bush Saves Social Security?

“There’s not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me.” — George W. Bush, on the coming Social Security crisis, Wilton, CT, June 9, 2000 At times, our 43rd president can be somewhat inscrutable.(I say this because it sounds so much smarter than subliminable.) The above quote came […]

Magick Sandwich

More Louise Hay Garbage

I admit that I’ve whored around the Self-Help section of life’s cosmic bookstore, looking for answers. But since perfectionism can lead to procrastination, I stopped. Serial killers tend to have high self-esteem, too, but I found that out in the Psychology section, Self-Help’s educated relative a few shelves down. But there’s one old mindfuck that keeps […]

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Bill O’Reilly Cures Depression

Yes, dear imaginary reader, I’ve been feeling Too Bummed to Blog, which should be listed in the DSM-IV. (If you don’t know what the DSM-IV is, wiki it, okay? I don’t have the will to explain.) This is one of those times when subscribing to updates from Funny or Die pays off. Part of the allure […]

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Best Suicide Note Ever!

Proper execution (pun intended) is crucial for the note’s irony to be appreciated, considering the decedent’s inability to explain. Typewritten, in a sealed envelope found in a pocket, are the words, “I was cleaning my gun when it accidentally went off.”  

Magick Sandwich

Reduce Your Carbon Footprint – Don’t Breed!

I have wondered what legacy I will leave behind, having borne no children. There is the unsung heroism of not passing on my own unpalatable genetic soup to future generations. (Since women in my family tend to start menopause young, I see Mother Nature as a lifeguard trying to hustle us out of the pool.) […]

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Celebrity News of the Future

After years of erratic behavior, it has been confirmed that Gwen Stefani‘s children are suffering from what is becoming known as Fetal Peroxide Syndrome. Christina Aguilera and Gwyneth Paltrow have been notified along with a long list of stars, who now have their children under close observation. Seriously, am I the only one who has […]

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