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Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names

The Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names

Bad Baby Names

As we wait with bated breath to learn the name Kim Kardashian and Kanye West choose for North West’s little brother (because nothing else is going on in the world), let Magick Sandwich entertain you with its nearly comprehensive yet thoroughly incomprehensible list of stupid baby names and the sadists who came up with them.

Repeat Offenders

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson named their daughter Maxwell Drew in honor of his dad’s middle name and Jessica’s mom’s middle name, respectively. Son Ace Knute was born 20 months later in 2013. He was named Knute after Eric’s grandfather and Ace after, what? A bandage? Frehley? The Red Baron?

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale named their youngest son Apollo Bowie Flynn after their mothers’ maiden names. Since their other sons, Zuma Nesta Rock and Kingston James McGregor, were named for Stefani and Rossdale’s favorite places, can we assume they took a secret trip to the moon between tours? (Maybe that’s what split them up–it sucked all the oxygen out of their relationship.)

Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg have a son, Lyric Sonny Roads, and two daughters, Poet Sienna Rose and Jagger Joseph Blue, names that remind us of ice cream, crayons and paint chips, not necessarily in that order.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their son Moses for a song he wrote for Coldplay and daughter Apple because it sounded “lovely and clean,” not because they were on a fruit cleanse or illegally downloading better music onto their iPods. If only their kids could consciously uncouple from their names.

Girls

Jay-Z and Beyoncé liked Blue Ivy, the name they chose for their daughter, so much that they tried to have it trademarked. It had already been taken by a Boston wedding planner. Isn’t there a site they could have checked first? Yes–Trademark Electronic Search System (TESS), in case you ever need it.

Alicia Keys and Swiss Beatz named their daughter Egypt in honor of a life-changing trip. Thank goodness it wasn’t to Bayonne.

Holly Madison, previously one of “The Girls Next Door” known for letting Hugh Hefner play with her lady parts, named her daughter (with Pasquale Rotella, not Hef) Rainbow Aurora. Warm up the stripper pole. Was Inflamed Herpes Sore already taken?

According to Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, they decided to name their daughter Wyatt after coming up with it at a Lakers game. Anything would be preferable to actually watching a Lakers game.

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard named their daughter Lincoln Bell and claimed it had nothing to do with our sixteenth president. Instead, she was named after Shepard’s first car. If so, it’s a good thing it wasn’t a Gremlin. Then they’d have to explain their kid had nothing to do with a certain beloved movie franchise from the 1980s.

Why did Zooey Deschanel and Jacob Pechenik name their daughter Elsie Otter? Zoey explained on the Today Show, “We just really liked the name Elsie and then we both love otters. They’re very sweet, and they’re also smart.”

Otters are vicious carnivores. Narwhals are cute. Everybody knows that.

At least Elsie is a recognizable name. Blake Anderson named his daughter Mars Ilah. Mars. Ilah. Lorenzo Lamas named his daughter Press. That isn’t even a proper name, is it? Garlic, cider, permanent: those are presses.

Rob Morrow named his daughter Tu. Tu Morrow. What a dick.

Other questionable girl’s names include Arlo Lemoyne Yoko (Johnny Knoxville); Romy Hero (Sam Taylor-Wood); Royal Reign (L’il Kim); Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee); Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette); Maxwell Lue (Lindsay Sloane); Autumn James (Jennifer Love Hewitt); Harper (Tiffani Amber-Thiessen); Harper Seven (Victoria Beckham); and James (Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds).

Boys

Musicians Ciara and Future named their son Future. It’s too bad his dad’s given name is Nayvadius Wilburn. Otherwise, he could be called Future II and that would put us in mind of another beloved movie franchise of the 1980s.

It should come as no shock that Jenelle Evans of “16 and Pregnant” gave birth to son Jace Vahn when she was sixteen. Last year, she had another son and named him Kaiser Orion.

Kaiser joins Banjo (Rachel Griffiths); Kal-El (Nicolas Cage); Bodhi Ransom (Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green); Kase Townes (Jewel and Ty Murray); Meredith Daniel (Jay Mohr), Sundance (Kerri Walsh); Bear Blaze (Kate Winslet); Bear Blu (Alicia Silverstone); Axl Jack (Fergie); Kroy (Kim Zolciak); Zolten (Jillette again); Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz (Beckham again).

Double Winners

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon occupy a category unto themselves: first-timers guilty of multiple offenses after the birth of their twins. They named their girl Monroe after Mariah’s idol, Marilyn Monroe. What inspired them to name their son Moroccan? He’s named after the décor in one of Mariah’s favorite rooms of her $9 million penthouse in New York.

It gets weirder. Cannon bragged that Mariah insisted her Madison Square Garden performance of Fantasy be played during labor, so the twins emerged to the sound of applause.

The Stupid Baby Name Award goes to…

Jeremy Sisto and Addie Layne, who named their daughter Charlie-Ballerina in 2009. They wanted to call her Charlie Kyd, but David Duchovny had already used Kyd for his son. So when their son was born in 2012, they named him Bastian Kick. They reasoned that Kick was close to Kyd and, according to Sisto, “He felt like a ‘B’ somehow … and we went for the B’s,” What, he didn’t deserve a hyphen?

Congratulations,  Moms and Dads! You suck. Luckily, you can afford the therapy your children will require for the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder they will experience after suffering through their childhoods saddled with names so stupid, fruit flies would kill themselves to avoid a lifetime of embarrassment…and they only live a few weeks.

Kids, you can change your name! If you want to mess with your parents’ heads, switch to something even crazier. May we suggest Glyph, Magma, Subvert, Irony, Periodic Table or ellemenopee?

More crazy names:
Stupid Baby Names Generator, or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition
Stupid Baby Names, Part Duh
Still More Stupid Baby Names

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Dump 'n' Trump

Dump ‘n’ Trump

Dump ‘n’ Trump

Dump 'n' Trump
One ends up a worthless piece of sh*t. 
The other was born that way.
Vagina Repo Gwyneth Edition

Vagina Repo: Gwyneth Edition

The real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam; You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.

 Gwyneth Paltrow, GOOP.com

Gwyneth dear, clearly you never got the owner’s manual. How else to explain your ignorance of something that is only a couple feet from your face at all times? Though I’m sure you are so flexible from your spiritual yoga practice that you’re one plow pose away from direct nose-to-labia confrontation, I feel that you need a visual aid. To wit:

Have one of your servants fetch a hand mirror and position it so that you can see your pudendum in all its undoubtedly depilated glory. Note the geography. (Remember, it’s that class you took while perfecting your Blue Steel facial pose.) If you can see your uterus from here, then you won’t need a doula to massage your perineum with sacred oils during childbirth. You can just shoot them out like they’re on a waterslide at Six Flags.

In fact, short of borrowing a pressure washer from your local car wash, steam will most assuredly not reach your uterus. (Note: Steam Douche: excellent band name.) The mini-throne is essentially a chair with a hole in it through which the spa taps your Iron Man residuals. As for the “energetic release,” it’s possible…if your vagina is pulling a very tiny train.

I do have to thank you for the information on how steam affects hormone levels. It explains that weird day at the gym when I spent too much time in the sauna and turned into a man.

More like this:
Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine’s Day!
4 New Products to Try on Valentine’s Day
Crazy Beauty Treatments for Valentine’s Day

Copyright Magick Sandwich

 

PETA Master Race poster

4 New Products to Try on Valentine’s Day

We’ve told you how to pimp your vajajay, get gorgeous with crazy beauty treatments, decipher her Valentine riddles, and enjoy some quality alone time with an iTunes app. Now Magick Sandwich brings you this dispatch from our annual genital Olympics.

*****

Our tireless pursuit of hairless pudenda has claimed a hidden casualty. The pubic crab is all but extinct, Bloomberg.com reports, due to our destruction of its habitat. (Where is PETA? Off protesting the eugenics of dog breeding at the Westminster Kennel Show? Are saber-toothed crotch critters unworthy of affection? How species-ist!)

PETA Master Race poster

Great analogy, PETA

 

While it may be too late for the littlest victims, we can hide our guilty loins with the Kitty Carpet, a reusable downstairs toupee. A popular style is the Michael Jackson, presumably because it looks like a Jheri curl and is highly flammable.Kitty Carpet merkin

For the man who has suffered feelings of inadequacy since watching Mad Men (also known as Jon Hamm-feriority complex), there is the faux bulge of Trunk in My Junk, an underwear insert that offers the latest in stealth codpiece technology. Unless she tries to put her hands down your pants.

Trunk in My JunkAlso for gents, the soothingly named ballsBalm is a depilatory lotion that comes with a decidedly rough-looking exfoliating glove. The company touts it as an enjoyable adjunct to pleasuring oneself. It sounds like a sadomasochistic way to cut the brush to make the tree look bigger. If sandpapering one’s own gonads was pleasant, Home Depot wouldn’t be able to keep the stuff in stock.ballsbalm magick sandwich

Finally, a product called repHresh uses this cute girl in Groucho glasses to represent other deodorants that mask vaginal odor. Can Mr. Marx’ estate sue? (Please?) While in this case “pH balance” is code for “smelly cooch,” the ad also mentions odor seven times, proceeding from the assumption that women already stink.

Groucho girl rePhresh

Ladies, if you go to all this trouble and your man still doesn’t like it down there, maybe he’s gay!

*****

Whatever’s trending for you, #bush or #bald, we at Magick Sandwich wish you a happy Valentine’s Day. No matter what you’ve got going on, have fun. Go crazy. Tain’t nobody’s business if you do!

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Magick Sandwich

Great Gifts for Alcoholics!

Looking for a great gift for the alcoholic in your life? It can be hard to find something new for that special someone who’s tasted everything from Purell to paint thinner. Take things up a notch with Magick Sandwich’s guide to tasty vodkas. They’re the classiest Christmas gifts yet to come with a screw top.

salmon vodkaChances are, you know someone who’s forsaken food in favor of booze. Now, he can have both. We’ve discussed the joys of bacon vodka here, so let us now extol the virtues of Alaska Distillery’s Smoked Salmon vodka. It’s a little taste of the Pacific Northwest with what’s sure to be an even more distinctive flavor on the way back up.

Smirnoff Espresso vodka is eye-opener, hair-of-the-dog and morning joe all rolled into one. Brought to you by the master of liver killing libations, Smirnoff shows mercy by disguising its usual vodka tang. The same could be accomplished with Starbucks’ coffee grounds salvaged from a Dumpster. But that would be harder to wrap.

7-Eleven wineIs your buddy bloated from too much 7- Eleven wine? With its dietetic fruit flavor and implied protection from scurvy, Belvedere Pink Grapefruit vodka is an excellent choice. It shows you care about his bleeding gums but not enough to let him into your house.

For those with a sweet tooth—though not necessarily an actual tooth—we recommend Cupcake vodka, in flavors like Devil’s Food and Frosting. Pinnacle Cotton Candy vodka, conjuring images of the county fair midway, is a yummy choice, too, unless it reminds him of the time he got turned down for a job as a carny because he was too dirty.

medea vodkaYour best choice of all may be Medea vodka. Though it boasts no interesting flavor, its bottle has a scrolling LED display on which you can program your most heartfelt message, such as, “We really think you should get some help.” No intervention necessary!

We hope this helps with your last-minute holiday shopping. Bottoms up!

More gifts:
Last-Minute Gifts – Wine Warning

Copyright Magick Sandwich

 

angry grape magick sandwich

Last Minute Gifts – Wine Warning

Over here at Magick Sandwich, we’ve finished our Christmas shopping. Since we never stop spending on ourselves, the holidays are just a convenient cover story. Much like an alcoholic who rationalizes drinking on special occasions, for a shopper every day is a special occasion.

Speaking of addiction and Christmas, you might be thinking of giving the last-minute gift of a bottle of vino. After all, Jesus, guest of honor, turned water into wine. Since you can’t, you’ll need a credit card and a little help from FedEx.

With only four days till Christmas, you need to make haste. But take a moment to learn about the art of wine shipping. Did you know there are certain states that do not allow it? Montana, South Dakota, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are a few.

angry grape magick sandwich

The grape of wrath?

The “dry state” of Utah I can understand, although I’ve known quite a few Mormon drunkards, believe you me. But New Jersey? Why would it deny its citizens a bit of relief? Luckily, you can help fight this injustice at freethegrapes.org, a national grass roots coalition of wine lovers, wineries and retailers fighting the powerful wine wholesalers’ lobby. Those bastards!

Don’t get sidetracked by this cause, worthy though it may be. For now, you need to concentrate on your wino friends who live in one of the 39 states protected by direct shipping legislation. There are many distributors online, some of whom will package bottles nicely so as to remind your recipient of its heart-healthy benefits while de-emphasizing its cirrhotic effects on the liver.

When choosing your gift, don’t forget to read the fine print. I was perusing wine.woot.com this morning and saw a 2 pack of 2003 Keller Estate Sparkling Brut. How can you go wrong with a 2 pack? So classy and only $49.99. But then I saw this:wine warning magick sandwich

What?  Am I supposed to call Glenn and tell him to stay sober all day so he can sign for the package? His inability to do so only proves that this is the perfect gift for him! What if Nancy’s been huffing paint? Will the FedEx guy be able to tell the difference between high and drunk? What qualifies him to judge? This is human-rights abuse, pure and simple.

Looks like it’s going to be another year of clean piss in Christmas mugs for my parolee friends and festively wrapped syringes for the junkies. Maybe you’re thinking I should get a better class of friends but it isn’t easy to find people happy to get cheap wine. When everything you drink has a screw top, you appreciate a good cork now and then.

More gift ideas:
Great Holiday Gifts: Bacon Edition
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

Copyright Magick Sandwich

 

pigeons on pilgrim hill

Merde Alors! National Pigeon Day 2011

Gee, has it been a whole year since the New York Bird Club celebrated National Pigeon Day in Central Park? Where does the time go? And why is this holiday, now in its fourth year, still unrecognized by the U.S. government?

June 13, 2011 is the 92nd anniversary of the death of World War I hero Cher Ami. Bird lovers gather to commemorate his bravery and call attention to the plight of pigeons everywhere. That is, except for last year, when it conflicted with the Puerto Rican Day parade. The city showed blatant anti-avianism when granting permits. Thankfully, the date falls on a Monday this year. I’m sure, in any case, that Cher wouldn’t mind.

Ami, a carrier pigeon who valiantly flew on after being shot and suffering a partially severed limb, delivered vital military intelligence to the U.S Army in France in October of 1918. He returned to the U.S. before succumbing to his injuries several months later. He was posthumously awarded the French Croix de Guerre, a medal I’m sure its human recipients were honored to share with a bird. Ami has the singular distinction of also being stuffed and mounted. He forever stands at attention in the National Museum of American History in Washington, D.C.

stuffed pigeon cher ami

I like this pigeon. He acted heroically, unless you require self-awareness to make the decision to go above and beyond the call of duty. Filling a war hero’s body with sawdust must be a high point in the annals of taxidermy but it seems a little callous. This almost overcomes my desire to write about the silliness of creating a holiday to promote pigeon awareness. Almost.

If we accept this precedent, where will it end? Perhaps there should be an official day to make people aware of the dangers of dryer lint catching fire or allowing your kids to eat too much grout. By the way, how much grout is too much? I think just enough to push the marbles and metal shavings through. Thoughts?

Anna Dove, née Augusta Kugelmas, founder of National Pigeon Day, in an interview with the New York Times, likened her efforts on behalf of pigeons to the struggle of Martin Luther King for civil rights. At times, her protests have been less than peaceful. In 2003, she threw birdseed in the face of a Parks Department employee who tried to enforce sanitation restrictions against throwing feed on the ground.

Joanna Tierno, moderator of a pigeon Internet group, compared the birds to Holocaust victims when City Council member James Oddo proposed using a birth control medication called Ovo Control P to reduce the amount of pigeon excrement corroding the infrastructure of the Staten Island Ferry.

Innolytics, the medication’s manufacturer, was a 2010 recipient of The Humane Society of the United States Corporate Progress Award, which recognizes companies that have made demonstrable progress in reducing animal suffering and advancing animal welfare. The ASPCA and PETA also support humane alternatives to lethal bird control. In fact, PETA and the Pigeon Control Advisory Service (PiCAS), a British non-profit organization, actively discourage pigeon feeding.

pigeons up close interview

In Andrew Blechman’s book Pigeons, The Fascinating Saga of the World’s Most Revered and Reviled BirdGuy Merchant, PiCAS founder, states, “A small number of persistent and deliberate feeders are wholly responsible for the pigeon problem throughout the world. They are the pigeon problem. Pigeons overbreed when people overfeed.” Although compulsive feeders see themselves as charitable, Guy thinks them selfish. It’s not enough to simply feed the pigeons, he says. All that does is burden everyone else with cleaning up the resulting mess.

PETA, on its website, has this to say on the subject.

There are people who buy heavy bags of bird seed and walk around New York City, London, and other cities dropping huge piles of it on to public sidewalks and in parks. Naturally, pigeons flock there to eat, and then breed. These people think they are helping, but in reality, they are doing more harm than good….

Have you ever considered asking your local park or city to put up signs discouraging the feeding of pigeons? Have you supported or opposed a local ordinance that would establish mandatory guidelines for feral cat colony management? Can we-who care about and advocate for animals-stop letting irrational impulses dictate our actions toward them?

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Evidence I tried to say it better myself:
June 13 is National Pigeon Day: Ask Your Boss for the Day Off
National Pigeon Day. Again. I’m Not Kidding.
National Pigeon Day 2010: Part One
National Pigeon Day 2010: Part Two

Copyright Magick Sandwich